10 Things You Should Never Say to an Intended Parent Going Through IVF or Surrogacy – And What to Say Instead
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Navigating the emotional rollercoaster of IVF or surrogacy can be an intensely personal and challenging experience for intended parents. As a surrogate myself, and a professional who has worked in infertility for years, I truly understand how these types of sensitive conversations can feel like emotional landmines for all parties involved.
While friends, family, and acquaintances often mean well, certain comments or questions—however innocently intended—can unintentionally add to the stress, pain, or frustration they may already be feeling.
Understanding what to say (or not say) is crucial to offering meaningful support. This guide highlights some of the things you should never say to an intended parent going through IVF or surrogacy, helping you approach these sensitive conversations with empathy, respect, and care.
Everyone Should Think Before They Speak Any of the Below Phrases to an Intended Parent
Below I’ve listed some of the most common comments made to intended parents, and I’ve explained why these seemingly innocent phrases can actually be very emotionally damaging.
“Have you considered adoption? It’s easier than IVF/surrogacy.”
Dismisses Their Choice
Suggesting adoption as an alternative minimizes the intended parents’ personal decision to pursue IVF or surrogacy. Their choice is often deeply thought out, involving emotional, medical, financial, and ethical considerations.
Oversimplifies Adoption
Adoption is far from an “easy” process. It involves its own set of legal, emotional, and financial challenges, and assuming it’s a simpler route demonstrates a lack of understanding and respect for the complexities involved.
Implies Judgment
The statement can come across as judgmental, as if the intended parents haven’t considered all their options or as though their chosen path is invalid or less worthy of support.
Ignores Emotional Impact
Many intended parents choose IVF or surrogacy because they desire a biological connection to their child, which is a deeply personal longing. Suggesting adoption without acknowledging this can feel dismissive of their emotional journey.
Triggers Guilt or Defensiveness
The comment may unintentionally make the intended parents feel guilty for not pursuing adoption or defensive about their decision, adding to the emotional burden they already carry.
“You’re lucky you don’t have to go through childbirth.”
Giving Birth to a Baby is an Honor
As a mother and a surrogate, I personally believe that the ability to give birth to babies is an honor and one of the highest moments in humanity. While yes of course there’s pain and postpartum discomfort, being a mother and not being able to give birth would be a pain point, not a thing that makes you “lucky”.
Minimizes Their Experience
It trivializes the immense physical, emotional, and financial challenges involved in surrogacy, which can be just as demanding—if not more so—than childbirth.
Overlooks Loss and Grief
Many intended parents pursuing IVF or surrogacy may have experienced infertility, pregnancy loss, or health complications that make childbirth impossible for them. This comment can unintentionally remind them of what they’ve lost or cannot have.
Ignores Emotional Sacrifice
The journey of IVF or surrogacy often comes with significant emotional strain, including uncertainty, anxiety, and a lack of control. Dismissing this by framing it as “lucky” can feel invalidating.
Assumes a Narrow View of Parenthood
The focus on childbirth as a singular rite of passage diminishes the broader and equally meaningful experiences of parenthood, which can be achieved in various ways.
Triggers Feelings of Guilt or Inadequacy
For some intended parents, not carrying their child may already be a sensitive or painful subject. Highlighting this difference as a “benefit” may come across as tone-deaf or even cruel.
“Why don’t you just relax? Maybe that will help you conceive.”
Oversimplifies a Complex Issue
Infertility is a medical condition, often caused by physical or genetic factors that cannot be solved by simply “relaxing.” This comment disregards the complexity of their situation and the science behind why they’re pursuing IVF or surrogacy.
Blames the Individual
Implying that stress or lack of relaxation is the cause of their infertility places undue blame on the intended parent. This can exacerbate feelings of guilt or self-doubt, which many individuals already experience during this process.
Invalidates Their Emotions
IVF and surrogacy journeys are inherently stressful, involving significant emotional, financial, and physical investments. Telling someone to “just relax” dismisses the legitimacy of their feelings and the challenges they are navigating.
Promotes a Harmful Myth
The idea that relaxation can lead to conception perpetuates a harmful and unscientific myth about infertility. It can make intended parents feel misunderstood and further isolate them in their struggles.
Lacks Empathy:
This phrase comes across as dismissive rather than supportive. It may unintentionally communicate that their pain and efforts aren’t being taken seriously.
“Do you think it’s really worth spending all that money on having a baby?”
Invalidates Their Deep Desire for Parenthood
For many intended parents, the decision to pursue IVF or surrogacy is driven by a profound longing to have a child. Questioning whether it’s “worth it” diminishes the emotional and personal significance of their choice.
Judges Their Financial Priorities
This question implies that their financial investment in creating a family is misguided or frivolous. It’s a deeply personal decision, and judging it is intrusive and disrespectful.
Undermines Their Sacrifices
Intended parents often make significant sacrifices—financial, emotional, and physical—to pursue IVF or surrogacy. This comment dismisses those sacrifices as unnecessary or unwise, which can feel deeply hurtful.
Suggests Their Journey Isn’t Valuable
The phrase can be interpreted as questioning the value of their future child, which is inherently offensive. It may make them feel as though their efforts and dreams are not being respected or understood.
Ignores the Complexity of Their Decision
The decision to pursue IVF or surrogacy is rarely made lightly. It involves careful consideration, soul-searching, and consultation with medical and financial experts. Oversimplifying it as a matter of money overlooks the depth of thought and emotion involved.
“At least you have more time/money/freedom without children.”
Suggests Their Life is “Better” Without Children
By framing childlessness as having advantages, the statement implies that their desire for children is unnecessary or misguided. This can feel deeply invalidating and dismissive of their feelings.
Reinforces Societal Misconceptions
It perpetuates the idea that people without children inherently lead “easier” or “better” lives, ignoring the unique challenges and aspirations of those struggling to build a family.
Minimizes Their Deep Desire for Parenthood
For individuals pursuing IVF or surrogacy, having a child is often a heartfelt dream and life goal. Suggesting that their current child-free state has benefits dismisses the emotional pain and longing they may be experiencing.
Invalidates Their Efforts
This comment can come across as dismissive of the significant sacrifices—emotional, financial, and physical—that they are making to bring a child into their lives. It downplays their struggles and determination.
Lacks Empathy for Their Current State
Intended parents going through IVF or surrogacy are often in a vulnerable emotional state. Comments like this, even if well-intentioned, can feel like a reminder of what they don’t have, adding to their grief or frustration.
“Are you sure you’re ready for the responsibility of being a parent?”
Questions Their Commitment
Intended parents pursuing IVF or surrogacy often undergo a lengthy, emotional, and financially demanding process to have a child. This demonstrates a profound level of commitment and readiness for parenthood. Questioning their preparedness can feel dismissive of their dedication and sacrifices.
Triggers Self-Doubt
Many intended parents already worry about the responsibilities of parenthood, like any prospective parent would. This question may intensify those doubts unnecessarily, adding to their stress or anxiety.
Suggests Judgment
Asking this question can come across as judgmental, as though the person speaking doubts their ability or suitability to be parents. This can be hurtful, especially when intended parents are already navigating feelings of vulnerability and uncertainty.
Ignores Their Emotional Investment
Intended parents going through IVF or surrogacy often experience significant emotional highs and lows. This comment overlooks the depth of their emotional investment and the challenges they’ve already faced to grow their family.
“Have you tried having more sex?”
Invades Their Privacy
Questions or comments about their sexual activity are deeply personal and intrusive. It’s inappropriate to speculate on or discuss their intimate life, especially in a situation as sensitive as infertility or surrogacy.
Oversimplifies a Complex Medical Issue
Infertility and the need for IVF or surrogacy often stem from medical, genetic, or anatomical factors that cannot be resolved by having more sex. This comment trivializes the medical realities they face and the science behind their chosen path.
Perpetuates Harmful Myths
The idea that infertility can be fixed by “trying harder” promotes misinformation and ignores the realities of conditions like endometriosis, low sperm count, or other issues requiring medical intervention.
Adds to Emotional Pain
Many intended parents already feel vulnerable or self-conscious about their struggles to conceive. This comment can add to feelings of inadequacy, shame, or frustration, as though they haven’t done enough or are somehow at fault.
“How much are you paying for this?”
Reduces a Deeply Personal Journey to a Transaction
Asking about the financial cost focuses on the monetary aspect of IVF or surrogacy rather than the emotional, physical, and personal significance of the process. It can feel dehumanizing, as though the intended parents’ efforts to build a family are being treated as a business deal rather than a deeply meaningful life decision.
Invades Their Privacy
Questions about financial matters are personal and often unwelcome, especially in such an emotionally charged context. Intended parents may already feel vulnerable or exposed during their journey, and this question can feel like an unnecessary intrusion.
Implies Judgment
The question can come across as judgmental, as if the person is questioning whether the process is worth the expense or whether the intended parents are making a wise financial decision. This judgment can add to the stress and emotional burden they may already be experiencing.
“You can always just have a baby naturally if it’s meant to be.”
Promotes a Harmful Myth
The idea that conception is purely about destiny perpetuates a harmful myth, ignoring the medical complexities of infertility. Many individuals need medical interventions like IVF or surrogacy due to conditions beyond their control, such as endometriosis, low sperm count, or other health issues.
Ignores Their Emotional Pain
Infertility and the decision to pursue IVF or surrogacy can be deeply painful. This phrase invalidates their grief, longing, and the difficult decisions they’ve had to make by implying that their situation might resolve itself if they just “let it happen.”
Fails to Acknowledge Their Journey
By focusing on the idea of natural conception, the comment disregards the unique and courageous path the intended parents have chosen to grow their family. It reduces their experience to a binary choice and fails to recognize the complexities of their decision-making.
“It’s just not in God’s plan for you to have children.”
Places Blame on Their Faith
For many people, faith is a source of strength during challenging times. This phrase can make them feel as though their struggles with infertility are a punishment or judgment from a higher power, which can be deeply hurtful and isolating.
Disregards Personal Beliefs
Not everyone shares the same spiritual or religious beliefs, and this statement assumes that the person aligns with the speaker’s interpretation of divine will. Even if they do share the same faith, it presumes an understanding of God’s intentions that can feel presumptuous and inappropriate.
Fails to Acknowledge Medical Realities
Infertility is a medical condition, not a reflection of divine plans or moral worth. Suggesting otherwise ignores the scientific reasons behind why someone may need IVF or surrogacy and unfairly moralizes their situation.
Dismisses the Role of Human Agency
The comment ignores the fact that many people see IVF and surrogacy as tools to help fulfill their dreams of parenthood, not as acts that contradict divine will. For some, these technologies are seen as gifts or opportunities that align with their faith, rather than defying it.
These statements can be hurtful, insensitive, or dismissive of the challenges and emotions that intended parents may face on their journey to parenthood. Instead, it’s important to offer support, empathy, and understanding, and to ask how you can be there for them during this process.
Phrases of Support that are Okay to Say to Intended Parents
Intended parents navigating the journey of IVF or surrogacy often face emotional, physical, and financial challenges. Offering genuine and empathetic support can make a significant difference in their experience. Here are phrases of support that are appropriate, kind, and encouraging to say to intended parents.
“I’m here to listen.”
By saying “I’m here to listen,” you are letting the intended parents know that you’re available for them without judgment, advice, or expectations. This creates a safe space where they can share their feelings openly, which can be invaluable during such an emotionally complex journey.
“I admire your strength and determination.”
This validates their efforts and acknowledges the resilience it takes to pursue parenthood through IVF or surrogacy.
“I’m here for you, whatever you need.”
Offering unconditional support shows that you’re available to help in any way, without judgment or assumptions.
“Your love and commitment to building your family is inspiring.”
This highlights the dedication and love they are putting into the process, helping them feel seen and valued.
“How can I support you during this journey?”
Asking this question directly allows them to share what they need, whether it’s emotional support, practical help, or simply a listening ear.
“I can’t imagine how challenging this must be, but I’m so proud of you.”
Acknowledging the difficulty of their journey while expressing pride in their perseverance can provide a much-needed boost of confidence.
“Your child will be so lucky to have you as parents.”
This reassures them that their efforts are worthwhile and affirms their ability to be loving, dedicated parents.
“Take all the time and space you need—I’m here when you’re ready to talk.”
This shows respect for their emotional needs and gives them the freedom to process their journey without pressure.
“What you’re doing is incredible and takes so much courage.”
This recognizes the bravery it takes to face the uncertainties and challenges of IVF or surrogacy.
“I know this is a deeply personal journey. Thank you for trusting me to share it with you.”
Expressing gratitude for their openness can strengthen your relationship and show that you respect their vulnerability.
“I’m keeping you in my thoughts and rooting for you every step of the way.”
This simple expression of support conveys that you’re thinking of them and hoping for their success.
Why These Phrases Work
- They are empathetic: They show understanding without making assumptions or judgments.
- They offer support without intruding: They leave space for the intended parents to share as much or as little as they’re comfortable with.
- They focus on their strength: They highlight the love, commitment, and courage they’re showing throughout their journey.
By using these kinds of phrases, you can provide meaningful encouragement and be a positive presence in their lives during this transformative time.
In Conclusion
In conclusion, navigating conversations with intended parents going through IVF or surrogacy requires thoughtfulness, empathy, and understanding. Your words have the power to either uplift or unintentionally hurt someone during a deeply emotional time. By avoiding common missteps and offering supportive, considerate alternatives, you can create a safe and compassionate space for them to share their journey. Remember, a little kindness and sensitivity go a long way in showing that you care and respect their experience.
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